Growing up in Alaska has its benefits. For instance, there are no poisonous creatures in Alaska. Nope. If you are going to get killed by a creature, you are going to know about it. No sneak attacks. You will be getting stomped, mauled or eaten by something bigger and badder than you, just the way it should be. No sneak attacks on your toes, ears or nose. Just good old-fashioned nature at its finest.
Here, in Georgia, that could not be further from the truth. There are critters everywhere, poisonous spiders, poisonous snakes, poisonous scorpions and fast food on every corner. Because of that, I have become quite proficient at the killing of these critters.
Now I know that most of the critters are not poisonous but I can’t tell which is which. And probably much like I used to mock those that cannot tell a flounder from a halibut, or a humpy from a Chinook, I get mocked here for my lack of discernment amongst the species. None-the-less, it has not stopped me from being the knight in shining armor for my wife. For those of you who are unaware, she is deathly afraid of all eight-legged creatures. I mean she cannot even look at a picture of one. If they come on TV, the channel is immediately changed, or she is curled up in a ball with her ears and eyes completely covered.
Although I have limited knowledge of the creepy crawlies, I have not developed a deep desire to learn. I figure if they are crawling around in my house, then it is my duty to exterminate them without prejudice. Now this is not like squashing daddy-long-legs, or nameless tiny spiders back in the 907. Nope, when you dispatch one of these critters you feel it. It feels like you are poaching, or that you need a hunting license and rifle to get the job done. They are big, hairy and scary. Two good-sized ones could probably make meal.
They appear in your bedroom, garage, kitchen, or the most horrific place of all, the place you are most vulnerable, the bathroom. For some reason that is where I seem to find the biggest baddest bugs, and usually I am predisposed so that I cannot immediately deal with the threat at hand. It can be a stressful situation.
Now I know some of you will think I am a big fat meanie for killing this innocent little critters, but it is my duty as the man of the house to ensure the safety of my family and the sanity of my wife, but mostly the sanctity of my eardrums. Because until it has been dispatched, I will hear about it; loudly.
I know it is nearly impossible to tell, but the images I have included are artist renderings of spiders. Remember, Tracy cannot look at pictures of spiders and my job is to keep her happy. The artists I have hired live under my roof and are home-schooled here, so they have seen them first hand. I would say they are extremely accurate renderings.
The below video is an actual giant spider being killed by Jake. WARNING, this may offend some viewers, weird ones!