First and foremost, at the risk of sounding redundant, thank you all for the prayers and comments. We really, really appreciate it. My last post really took off, by far the most readers we have ever had. So, what does that tell me? Either you guys really like pain, if it bleeds it leads, or you can feel the urgency we have facing us right now and you wanted to share that. I prefer the latter, but I know a few of you and …..
I wrote my last post within a couple hours of dropping her off, and sat on it for a while before deciding to post it, with Tra’s blessing. You could probably tell from my last paragraph. So now we move on to pick up day. Wednesday is the day that we have always picked Jo up. I would go get her and she would always be so excited to see me. Right away getting her coat, fully buttoned and zipped, and her pink Dora backpack ready to walk out the door. Every Wednesday we would have almost the exact same conversation… I saw three wabbits, two black one gey. I saw five wabbits, black and gey. Daddy’s favoite cowor is purple. Momma’s favoite cowor is geem, my cowor is bue. I can’t wait to see Shywa, and Jake and Kassie and Ben and Momma and Dowian and Ivy and gwacie and Hammy. Is this you car? I wide in daddy’s caw. I am three, holding her fingers up for me to see. And every time there would be the “look daddy” “look at me” while I am driving, talking on my cell phone and texting. Okay, maybe I was just driving.
It was as if she was reestablishing herself back in our life. Confirming everything she knew to be true, out-loud over and over. As much as I hated to have her away, it was easily one of the highlights of my week. It was our time, and in our life, time is precious. So this Wednesday I thought it would be brutal, but prayers are working, and I was so busy that it kept my mind off of it until late that night. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I missed her, and her smile and our conversation our time. In fact I had the conversation in my head while I was driving around. My favorite part is always “momma’s favoit cowor is geem.” I loved to hear her say “geem” with a hard “g”. But it wasn’t as brutal as I anticipated; there was a definite flaw in my day, but it was much more bearable than drop off day. Thanks to all of you.
So now I have to fight worry. I worry about her, what does she think is happening? She has had the same routine for almost a year, and now “poof” it is over. At least in her mind. Does she think we abandoned her? We don’t love her? We went on a long trip? What must she be thinking? Is she having fun? Is she happy? Is she scared? Is she content, is she looking out the window wondering when I will show? I don’t know, but it worries me. She had already been acting a lot different the last couple weeks, so we know she senses something, and in the time when she needs us the most, we have left her. I despise those thoughts.
Our next step; we pick her up Friday evening and she will stay with us through the weekend. I have no clue how that will be, for her and us. But I know we certainly want to make the most of every minute we have with her. I don’t know how long this phase will last, or better yet, how long we can endure it, but we felt we had to do it for Jo. So please keep praying, pray for an honest to God true miracle. Pray for peace in Jo’s heart, peace in our hearts and the strength to believe. Believe that this is all part of God’s plan, believe in Roman’s 8:28, believe that no matter what, we will have grown because of this.
Again, thank you all for letting us share our pain with you. I don’t know what you get out of it, but I know it helps me to write about it. I can verbalize what I feel and deal with it. We really appreciate the comments and emails and tomorrow, after I pick Jo up, I will have another much lighter post. I was going to post it today, but so many people were asking what was happening I thought I would give you all a quick update. God Bless.