Nicaragua Missions Day 3
Our goal was to build 4 houses in 5 days and have three days of vacation bible school. It took us two days to build 4 houses, and we had just enough gumption and money to attempt another house for another family from a different church, not expecting a house. So while a crew dispersed to bend nails at the four houses we already finished and to give each of them a care package, we dropped a crew of five of us off to work on a new casa for our new friend. After two days and four houses,we had the process down pretty good, and thanks to our leader, Oscar, we were able to not only finish the house, we finished before noon. This included modifications to our normal design and plan. It was a true team effort, an efficient team.
I go back.
You know how they say a smell can bring back a flood of memories? For instance, if I smell some fresh-baked cinnamon rolls with raisins, I will flash back to my time spent commercial fishing, specifically, Togiak herring. Why? Togiak herring was a game of hurry up and wait; 3-5 days to get there and then wait, wait and wait for the herring to get ripe enough to harvest. And many years those herring like to take their time, often days to weeks. So to pass the time we would beach comb, read, talk, sleep, mend nets, clean engines, and Doug would always make a batch of homemade cinnamon rolls. Without fail, every year at least one giant batch of fresh-baked cinnamon rolls. When you are trapped inside a 10X15 cabin with four other guys for weeks at a time, it was the little things that made a difference, and those rolls, although not little, always made the difference. The smell would waif throughout the fleet atop the salty air of Togiak Bay. Needless to say, a flood of company would magically appear.
Well I have found the same truth sometimes in a song. Sometimes just a genre of song will bring me right back to high-school, my mullet, thin stache, jean jacket and Air Jordan’s. Instantly I feel younger and energetic. Sometimes it can be a specific song. I still remember after I bought Tracy’s engagement ring. I was so excited and nervous, again with the mullet, thin stache…… that I just couldn’t keep it in my pocket. I still remember to this day as I was driving back to campus in my 86 Black Pontiac Firebird with the reticulating headlights stuck in up mode, dark tinted windows and spoiler aiding the critical aerodynamics of the superb driving machine. Surprisingly, there was very little traffic in that dark warm evening in Springfield Missouri, and thanks to my leather driving gloves, I was able to drive a little faster than usual. I turned up the radio, a smile locked onto my face and the song that was playing was from 38 special. A song, prior to that day, that I thought was okay, but definitely not my top style, definitely not my favorite, and probably not appropriate for the moment, but a good song. Yet, on that day it became one of those special songs that takes me back to that night over and over, every time I hear it.
Or even (gasp, do I even dare admit this?) Milli Vanilli. You see it was only one of about six CD’s Tra and I had for our drive from Anchorage back to Missouri to school. So it was well used, over and over and over; girl you know it’s true. So now every single time I accidentally hear a Milli Vanilli song, I am transported back to that Nissan Pathfinder and the four-day drive. However, I don’t think that CD ever found the inside of a CD player after that trip.
It happened again, just a few days ago. I was driving out of Anchorage, just leaving a couple of days of work meetings, meetings where I had just turned in my two-week notice. I had a piping hot Americano, no hair, a very conservative Chevy Trailblazer, and like always from May to August, a ton of traffic on the Seward Highway heading out of Anchorage. It didn’t matter to me though, because my head was elsewhere, not on my driving or the traffic, or the two and half hour drive ahead. Instead I kept thinking over and over, what did I just do? Was I sure about this? Is this right? I had these tiny little doubts creeping deep into my pyschi, and I didn’t like it. My iphone was not plugged into the car, so I turned on the radio which happened to be on 88.5, and a song had just come on. It was a song I had never heard, a song I probably would’ve never noticed, but instantly it caught my attention, and without thinking I twisted the black knob to the right to confirm what I was hearing. Again, not my style of music, again not a song that would’ve ever ended up on any of my playlists, but at the right time in the right situation it was perfect. The lyrics I heard said, ” When the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer, he knows this is going to make you stronger, stronger”. Those lyrics slapped me like a flounder across the face, snapped me out of a funk and erased the temporary doubt that was trying to cloud my hope. I will admit, although I was driving at max speed limit, I was still able to download that song before Girdwood and play it over and over again on my drive home to prepare for our last month in Alaska.
An empty spot in my pocket
Although it was small it weighed heavy on me for nearly 15 years. It was a huge responsibility in a small package, representative of something much bigger than myself, something necessary for an orderly society. It paid my bills, fed my family and so much more. Now it is no more. My badge, my shield is gone. I have turned it in and there is now an empty spot in my back pocket that has not been empty for years. For years I was used to feeling it on me, knowing it was there, knowing that at any day at any time I may have to use it in an emergency, the weight of it a conscious part of my daily awareness. Part of the burden of this job is that you are never ever off duty, even when you are off duty. You must always be prepared to act. Now that burden, that weight is no longer mine. Sure that attitude will likely remain for a spell, but the obligation is no longer there. Friday was my last day going to work as an Alaska Wildlife Trooper. Friday was likely my last day of “going” to work as anything, and the whole week was surreal. It was a very emotional week. My heart pitter- pattered all week like a nervous school child preparing for his first speech. I just kept waiting for some big outburst, some bolt of lightning, something to symbolize the end of my career. Instead it ended like they all do, food, plaques, gifts and stories. Dont’ get me wrong, it is exactly how I wanted it, a small gathering of some great friends and a chance to say goodbye, with all our emotions kept in check. What I didn’t expect was the flood of emails from friends throughout the state, those hit me kind of hard. Some of them were extremely heartfelt and very personal. They made me feel fantastic, appreciated and sad, and increased the anxiety of leaving the brotherhood I have known for so long.
Quitting a job is a big decision. Quitting a job that you have held for over 15 years is an ever bigger decision, and quitting a job that guarantees to pay you for the rest of your life if you only work it for 20 years is down right crazy. Well call me crazy I guess. I won’t kid you, it was not an easy decision. It was one made over years of prayer and toil. Beat down over and over,back and forth, pros and cons, impossibilities and possibilities. In the end it is all about doing what we think we are supposed to do, and taking action on that. Not just thinking about it, not just talking about it, but doing it. That is what we are going to do. No matter how absolutely nuts it sounds, we are going forward in faith.
So now what? Well now we move on to the next phase of our journey. Arguably, the most adventurous, exciting, and unknown phase. Now it is time for use to put our money where our mouth is and make it happen. With God on our side, we plan to do just that. Although the picture is not crystal clear as to what our life will look like a year from now, it is pretty clear that I will not be employed, and almost assuredly not be employed by the government. From this day forward we are going to change a lot of things, and we pray they are for the better and they are in God’s will. I will continue to blog about our adventures, our problems, triumphs sorrows and joys, but I will be doing it from a little farther south, and I hope you come along for the journey. I have a feeling that I will never lack for topics.
The Blur
A while back I wrote on milestones, and they seem to keep on coming. I guess that’s what happens when you have a passle of youngen’s who keep reaching em. I know when I reflect on my life, I can see clear and present milestones strewn throughout. The big ones, graduating highschool, going to college ( note I did not say graduating college) getting married, having kids, getting a career and they keep on coming. One huge one that I keep reflecting on is my marriage. Not the marriage as a whole, but the event itself. You see I was 20 when I got married, and my folks, well they were 39 &40. I remember looking at them and thinking that they were old, despite my peers having parents much older than mine. Just recently I realized that I am now older than both my parents were when I got married. Did you hear that? I am older than those old people that were at my wedding, and I still have a little kids running around my house and will for a while.
Now, I don’t feel old. And unlike every UFC fighter about to take the ring, I do not feel I’m in “the best shape of my life”, but I feel okay. My bones creak, my back aches, my hair….. well we all know about that one. I can still run for 3-4 miles, still do a few push-ups and sit-ups, still remember most things, but I definitely feel a change. You know how your grandpa would say ” the weather is going to change, I can feel it in my bones”? Well apparently that is a skill that improves with age, and I now have it in my left knee. Sure, the Dr. calls it arthritis, but it is more accurate than my weather app.
Where was I going with all this? Ah yes, milestones. Well I just took my sweet little baby to get her driving permit, and she did something that no one in this house has ever done; she passed on her very first try. What makes this a milestone is that she is not my oldest. Dorian is already driving, and Alli could be if she had any motivation at all. The thing that makes it special is that I remember the very first time I saw Olivia. Tracy had come to see me half-way through the Trooper Academy in Sitka. I had never seen Olivia before that. So she signifies my job, and my time on the job, and this period of our life. I have been on this job long enough for her to go from the womb to driver’s seat. For some reason that period between her laying on the beige flower covered comforter in the Sitka Motel 8, swaddled in a pink blanket with her dark big cheeks, dark eyes and black hair; to her posing for her permit picture just a couple days ago, that period is a blur. How did we get here from there?
Yet, also, when I look back at the picture of my graduation from the Academy, 14 years ago, I see a young boy that I hardly recognize. I try to recall what I was thinking, where I thought I may end up. I don’t recall having any big plans other than working for 25-30 years and retiring; I don’t recall ever thinking that I may have 8 kids, or live in Soldotna. I didn’t know what life had in store for us, but I was pretty sure it would be exciting. At that exact moment, I am sure I was just happy that it was over, that that milestone which was so taxing was done and I was onto the next stressful challenge. I had no idea that some of my future best friends were only 15 years old at the time, that I would live in a log house, or ever own or want to own a 15-passenger van. Yet here I am, and there I stood, holding Olivia, Dorian and Alli in front of me and Tracy beside me. I was young, nieve, excited, skinny and I still had a little hair. And as l look back remembering, I wonder if I knew then what I know now how much would I have changed? I know this for sure, I am glad that little tuft of hair is gone, because I still have to teach at least 6 more kids how to drive and I would hate to be pulling it out all over the car.


























