200
Today I noticed that this post would be my 200th post. At first I thought 200 was not that much, but I have realized that it is actually quite a bit, especially considering that I am not writing about current events, news or anything like that, I am writing about life and our family. Our journey to a family of 10 in Alaska to a family of 9 in Costa Rica. The very first post was in September of 2008, which means it took me over 3 years to get 200 published posts. Lately I have resolved myself to adding a new post on an average of at least one a week, and I am proud to say that I am ahead of schedule this year. Perhaps relocating to Costa Rica has helped a little.
Most of the posts have been very light-hearted and fun, some however have been very dark, sad and therapeutic. Whatever the style, they all have their own pace and feel. Some have taken me days to write, others minutes, some are done in minutes but I hesitate to post them, others I have written and have never posted. But as I reflect back on the last 199 posts I have come to realize that this tiny little blog has help me connect more with God, myself, my family and friends. It has help me come to grips with some big happenings in my life, and in the live’s of those I love. It has been fun and it has been tedious at times. Sometimes I struggled to find something worthy of writing about, something anyone would even care about. And I always have to go back to why I am writing and who am I writing for. Originally it was so our family and friends could see into the lives of a big family, a special family, at least in my mind. Now we are way away from anywhere I thought we would be from my first post. It has evolved into a blog about a crazy big family that has moved from one corner of the world to another, on a whim, some would say. So for blog post 200, instead of sharing the most popular posts I thought I would share some of my personal favorite posts. The ones that affected me and others the most. They may not have been the most popular or most light-hearted, but they had something in them that just had that extra special meaning. I know everyone always enjoys new materials and new pictures, but these are all some re-posts of days gone by. As we all know, each and every post will be out there for all eternity, because as they say once you put it on the web, it will never go away. So if you are bored on a rainy/ snowy day, scroll the tags or topics on the right, or put in a keyword to see what you might find. There are over 200 to chose from!
Probably the overall most popular posts are the Christmas Letters. They are always at the top of the blog and you click there to read them. It is the year in review, and those usually take the longest for me to write, so I am glad at least someone is reading them.
The second most popular are the ones with lots of pictures. Now, as the writer of this blog this causes me a little concern. I have a feeling there are a few of you that are just looking for the latest greatest pic, and not reading a word I type. Darn the twitter generation! However, I think those are my wife’s favorite as well, so they can’t be all bad.
Without question, the posts that caused the most reaction are the ones with Jo, when we were going through our transition with her. It was one of the most difficult things we had ever dealt with as a family. I don’t know why I wrote about it like I did, but I really think it helped to put it into words and the response was very big. Not just a comment on the blog, but a full email, a phone call, a visit the reactions were amazing. These posts mostly wrote themselves in minutes and made me thankful I had this little blog to use for therapy.
These are a couple of miscellaneous ones that had pretty big hits. The real Costa Rica I could understand via google. It was from our first trip to Costa Rica and it was an eye opener for us. Awkward Conversations; I don’t know why but that one seemed to strike a note with people. Although I didn’t get a lot of comments on the blog, again I had a lot of personal reactions. The next one I did not anticipate at all. It was a simple blog on me grilling some ribs for my birthday, and I thought I would be cute with the title. Apparently, a lot of people google that song because it still gets a lot of hits to this very day. Who knew?
I have a BBQ stain on my white T-shirt
So there you have it, Post 200 is now in the books, or on the web for all eternity. If you have time you can click-through to some of the above listed posts to see the variety of activity that we have encountered throughout the last 3 years. However, I will warn you that the middle section can be a little heavy, and it still affects me to this very day. I like to think that I have another 200 posts in me, and with our recent relocation I hope that will give me interesting fodder for the next few years. Stay tuned, and thank you so much for reading, and I really thank you for the comments and kind words. Glenn
amp time
Every time she comes over I can pretty much predict the order of the day, a lovely conversation on the drive home, a mobbing from everyone as she walks in the door, long snuggles with mom, dress up, coloring, play dough, creative activites and then at some point the question, “daddy you want play on the ampoline with me? ” It is her routine, and it is very hard for daddy to resist some ampoline “amp” time.
this may hurt a little
Jake's version of break dancing
Kassie moving so fast she looks elongated
the belle of the ball
In fact the trampoline somewhat signifies our relationship with Jo over the past four years. It started out so fun with some ups and downs, but we just kept bouncing. There were a lot of twist and turns, some tumbles, some huge up moments and the downs only went so far before we bounced back. But eventually, especially for us older folks, we became exhausted and then just lay there as everyone else jumps. And that’s where we are now, just laying on the trampoline and letting everyone else and everything else just move around us. I don’t know if you would call it giving up, because we are still on the trampoline, but we are just not jumping up and down as much. We are there, laying and we are waiting, waiting on the Lord and perhaps that where we should have been all along.
The belle in a not so graceful moment
Umm daddy, I don't think the trampoline is supposed to go down that far
the old man still got some moves! I hope my insurance co. doesn't read this
Ben catching some air
not sure how Kassie ended this one
So whenever we are so blessed to have a visit from Jo, and when the inevitable questions comes, she knows that I will not say no. What she doesn’t know is that eventually I will tire, and lay on the trampoline, reflecting on what else I can do to make it so she never has to leave again. And time and time again my answer is to wait and trust that the springs have enough uumph to get us up once again. And eventually, hopefully soon, every day she’ll be able to ask me if I am available for some amp time.
the "amp" crew
JJJ and J
A few weekends ago we had some special guests Josiah, Josh, Jude and JoJo. We traded them for Dorian who had gone to the Fine Arts conference. Now I don’t know if it was a good trade, because you see Dorian is really not too much trouble right now, he can bathe himself, dress himself, brush his own teeth, and even feed himself when needed. There are no diapers, runny noses, whining … well okay there is some whining but not as much. So for that weekend our grand kid total was 11, and all but 3 of them were under the age of 13.
Ben throwing down some lessons to Josh, then.....
... he then threw down his own version of Happy Day
contemplating his next song
Josiah can get comfy anywhere
Josh follows suit
Jude the dude
Surprisingly it was slightly easier than I had anticipated. Perhaps it was because I was shuttling kids back and forth from across America the whole time. The one thing I have noticed is that when we have kids over, they almost always have someone to “hang” with, so unless there are sweets on the kitchen counter, they pretty much stay out of our hair. Yes, that is clearly a figure of speech for me.
Play time
we may have ruined rabbit hunting for the Gluth family forever
yep, ruined
Jo giving Jude "katar" lessons
It seems that they had a good time, never a dull moment, and definitely never a dull moment for Tracy.
Our hope is in uhmorrow
I wish I could say it was like she never left, but it wouldn’t be true. She swoops back into our life and we savor every minute of it, not taking it for granted, but enjoying the moments that the Lord has blessed us with. Perhaps these unexpected visits are to bolster our faith, perhaps they are to encourage, perhaps they are just to bring us joy, or perhaps they are for Jo’s sake. She has been the one that has initiated the visits, she is the one that asks to come over and doesn’t want to leave. If we drive by the road she now lives on she whispers “don’t take me there”. When she comes over she asks to spend the night, and when we drop her off she asks to come back again “uhmorrow”.
Jo's funny camera face
her favorite thing in the whole world is dress up, and she does it well
the instant she comes home, the clothes come out!
and she doesn't have to look far to find accomplices
Maybe God knows that she needs t0 interact with her brother and sisters and her mom and dad, and maybe she needs it just as much as we need it. Whatever it is I don’t want to question it, I just want to accept it and enjoy it. I want to pretend that it is forever, I want to pretend that she never left, that she isn’t going to leave, that she will spend the night every night and be with us every uhmorrow. But it is different because I know, for now, that her time with us temporary and fleeting and I believe that as much as we want her to stay, she yearns for it just as much. For she has asked “why do I have to leave” she has said ” I don’t want to go” with her lip curling and her eyes moist. It is almost unbearable. As “adults” we at least understand what is going on, we don’t like it, we don’t agree with it and we understand that this is a spiritual battle, not a physical one. But Jo, Jo doesn’t get it. All she knows is that we love for her to come and visit and we love to play with her and cuddle with her. Then we take her back and we don’t let her stay forever, we don’t let her stay the night, we don’t let her stay until uhmorrow. “We” don’t do it, that is what she knows.
the fluffier the better
So you see I can’t say it is like she never left because she has left. She knows it, we know it and it is always there. We love, absolutely love having her here and we will take her every day we can. We will never say no and we will pray without ceasing that she will be home, here with us ,where she belongs and soon. But until then, that feeling will be there, until, as we believe, she will be with us every day and more importantly every uhmorrow.
sunshine dancer
100% Girl
She will always be our girl
Milestones
Every family has milestones, marriage, first child, first steps, 5, 10,15 20, 50 year anniversaries, first graduate from high school / college, retirement… they just keep coming on coming and we pray that we live to see them and they are joyous occasions for us. Well we hit a few of those milestones this past month. The first was expected, Olivia turned 13, that means we have 3 full fledged teenagers in our house, and in another month and 1/2 we will add another. Now Livy has always been very low maintenance, very self sufficient, helpful and just a great child. But I could say that about Alli and Dorian too, until they turned 13. Something happens, and perhaps it is our perception, or perhaps it is reality and symptoms left over from the eating of the tree of knowledge, but either way, I perceive it as real, so to me it is real. At that time their needs are much more important than anything on earth. What they want, what they think, what they say outweighs everything else in, not only the house, but the city, and often times the world. Does it make us love them any less? No, but at times it does make them less pleasant to be around, and much easier to tease, I must add.
I have no idea, but it looks intense.
I am sure, now that she is 13, I will pay dearly for putting this in the blog, but it is worth it!
Olivia D. with her typical dinner whenever she stays over. She said it's what her mom feeds her all the time.
Since we already have two in the house, we have some training, and God has blessed us with good kids, even though they have typical teenager troubles. We try hard to remember what we felt like during that time, and I don’t remember it being pleasant. I remember my folks thinking they know everything and not understanding why I needed to stay out to 3 am. I remember how hard the driving test seemed and how hard I worked to get my hair just right ( reserve all comments please) life seemed stressful, because up to that point, I had not really felt what stress was.
Girls doing whatever it is girls do when they gather.
must be hard work doing what girls do when girls gather.
I mean I had to be at school six hours a day, and one of those hours was basketball, the other was film class, and, well you get the picture. I remember my mom & dad explaining, sometimes not so gently, that this was the easy time, this was the good time, the time to have fun and just enjoy yourself. But to me, their life seemed much more fun. No curfew, nobody telling them what to do and when ( I didn’t understand the concept of bosses) spending money on whatever they wanted, ahhh yes life was good.
The group (sans Kiowa who had to go to cpr class early)
Livy with her big 13 present, her own notebook.
The best present was Jo got to spend the night with us!
Obviously, now I know the truth. But I know the truth because I have walked in their footsteps in my own time and my own journey. I have come to realize that it is likely no matter how many times I try impart my age old wisdom, the words will fall flat until they have traveled their journey. And then, they will look back and hopefully say ” man, mom and dad weren’t kidding. If I had only listened to them..” and the circle will repeat itself once again. So we have to realize that they are teens, and they are good teens, no matter how wacky they seem to us, they are good teens and they are God’s teens, given to him to complete the life they have laid out for them, and trust that they will follow in the way they were raised. Besides, 13 is a lot closer to 18, and I know that it is extremely likely that at least 2 of them will end up back in our home, but I pray they at least reach their big milestone of having job and getting paid, so I can get me some rent. The second unexpected milestone? Well you will have to stay tuned.
I’m real sorry.
Knowing what to say to someone who is living through a storm has always been a struggle for me. I never know what to say to someone who’s had a close one die, get badly injured, or any tragedy. I desire to be sincere in my words, but also trying to be original. So this last couple of times I have been trying to pay attention to what encourages me, or what I like to hear people say. I remember right after my dad died I would be contacting people out in the field, and there in bright gold right above my heart was my name on my bullet proof vest. It was almost like a neon sign blinking, begging for someone to ask…. you’re not related to the Godfrey that got killed are you? The first few times it caught me off guard and I fumbled around with my words, ignoring the unsuspecting sportsman, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered what they would say if I said yes. So me being me that’s what I started to do. “Yes, that was my dad” was my standard response. Then I just waited in silence. Almost instantly you could see the blood drain from their face. Now what? What do I say? I would just look at them in silence, curious what would come out of their mouth. Usually it was stammering, followed by “I’m really sorry about that”. The standard response. I would reply with “yeh, me too” and then get right back to business. This taught me a lesson regarding the words that emanate from my mouth, or the double edged sword.
Jo with Jellybean, her birthday rabbit (still don't know if it is a boy or girl)
Our happy girl
wore out after a great birthday party
This latest experience caused me to reflect on what people have said to me when I have been going through the absolute lows of my life. I wanted to know so I would know what to say to others when it was my turn to attempt to comfort them. I must say, I really liked hearing “we’ll be praying for you” , especially from people that I knew were not just saying it, people who said it and I knew they would hit their knees, probably cry, and pray from their very soul and being. When they say they are going to pray for you, that means something, that inspires, that gives you hope and encouragement. You know they are top friends on God’s facebook, and he listens to them. I have been fortunate to know a lot of those people.
Zoolander (or Jeremy/ Jerms as we call him)
cousin Gunnar at Grandpa's funeral
Grandpa's burial site, overlooking Homer. (Not his cross)
But upon reflecting, the most memorable, the most inspiring, the one that I will likely never forget was not from a close friend of mine. It was right after I wrote the “at what cost blog” . This giant of a man, an acquaintance but not a close friend, found me when I was sitting by myself. He walked up to me grabbed my hand, looked me directly in the eyes, I could see the tears bulging and sparkling in his eyes, I could feel his hand trembling and see his chest heaving a little as he struggled to maintain his manly demeanor. He ,being a father of young kids, looked right into me and whispered one word with his voice crackling and trembling “dads”. That is all he said, that was all he had to say. I knew right then that he truly felt for me, perhaps he could not relate exactly to what I was feeling, but he definitely felt for me. So with one word, a man, and acquaintance, perhaps touched me more than any other condolence I have ever received.
Jake and Jo, brother and sister forever
Asia, Aevry, McKenzie and Jo ( probably all spelled wrong)
Love's riding in daddy's car ( he drives faster than mommy, but not over the speed limit!)
In conclusion: Only 30% of conversation is the actual words spoken. Therefore, what you say isn’t nearly as important as to how you say it, show that you really mean it, that you mean what you are saying and if you say you will pray, pray and pray earnestly. I am not saying you have to cry or well up, but just be sincere.
Extremely sick during Grandpa's funeral, and days to follow.
How about you? What has worked for you? What have you said or has someone spoken to you that comforted you? Please share so that we could all learn from your insights.
Drizzle
Wi Filess
We have been without Internet for a week. Therefore, I have not been able to update the blog. We still have no Internet, well I guess that’s not 100% true. We have my wireless card that gives us very minimal Internet, and of course we have our iphones.
That’s what I (don’t) love about Sunday
Sunday used to be one of our favorite days, now it is a painful day. You see Sunday is the day Jo has to go away for the week, every Sunday for ….. ever? We still believe that a miracle will occur and that she will be with us, but until then it is very hard to take a little girl you love with all your heart, who is crying and begging not to go, and give her to someone that you don’t think loves her as much as you do, or will care for her like you.
Yet every Sunday afternoon we do just that. It gives us a knot in the bottom of our stomach and a fist in our throat. We do our best not to think about it, but sometimes it just sneaks up on you and you realize the gravity of the situation and the pawns we have become in that struggle that is her life. Further, instead of getting easier as the weeks pass by, the pain increases, and the reality of the weeks and months that we have missed weigh heavy on our souls and cloud our minds.
We pray, try to lighten the mood, and encourage her telling her that she will be back, and maybe, just maybe next time it will be for ever. So from the time we pick her up on Friday to Sunday, we try to make the most of our time, and that is just what we did this Fourth of July weekend.
We started the weekend with a 2 hr. parade, yes 2 hours! An hour and a half of it were Harley riders and wrecked race cars. But the kids got tons of free candy, and after all isn’t that what Independence Day is all about?
Jo loving the deer. He better be glad hunting season is still a month a way.
candy hounds, this is how the spent 90% of the parade. I don't think they saw but 2 floats.
Jo took a picture of daddy
After the parade we boogied down to Clam Gulch and hung out at the beach all day. The weather was absolutely perfect and we staked claim to a great section of beach. The kids played in the freezing water, the miry clay, the unstable bluff and had a great time. If we hadn’t forgot the hot dogs, it would’ve been perfect. Good thing Tra thought to pack some meat for hamburgers and saved the day.
every day at the beach must include rock throwing
Ok, the water's a little colder than I thought
Hmmmm, looks like she does at home.
hmmm, looks like he does at home ( minus the cool shades & fire)
you know how I feel about cameras!!
I don't remember painting red, white and blue on my toes... I thought I went with straight blue.
Olivia and Jake
Jake and Jo
The warrior with the farmer tan, Ben.
No hot dogs, no problem
From the clan of ignorant fools.
Sunday was another beautiful day, and after church and a fried chicken lunch, the slip-n-slide was calling my name. I didn’t answer it, but the kids did.
Jake prepping the slide for maximum slippage.
Jake in action, and yes this is a redneck slip-n-slide.
Livy in action
uhhh, Kassie in action?
a redneck slide must have a redneck fort
- Jeremy building something I am sure, as always.
sisters forever
this is how you do it.
spray action
Jo eating something that is probably not meant to be eaten
Kenai River Fun and Nicotine laced popcorn
Twas an interesting day today; sunny yet windy, warm yet slightly cool, and an ever present weather change on the horizon. So we decided to venture out to one of our local annual events, the Kenai River Festival. Basically it celebrates….. well it uhhhh, hmmmm not sure what it celebrates, but it has something to do with the Kenai River, and people sell things.
You know we could be fishing.
Complete concentration at the fish painting table.
I can't work under such scrutiny
Kassie, a true artist at heart
It is a lot of fun for the kids. They have free face painting by very amateur local volunteer artists. Jo’s butterfly actually looked a little like a butterfly, well done. They also had a lot of FREE crafts for the kiddos. Several of the kids painted a wooden salmon on a stick, and no it was not edible. I have never so many glitter covered purple fish in my whole life. It reminded me of a bad prom theme. Then they went on to make birdhouses, again for free. Now I won’t say who, but one of our kid’s wood working skills resemble Dorian’s ( see previous post wood working 101) but for the most part the bird houses weren’t bad, good enough for the birds in our neighborhood at least; they’re not snobby birds, and not particularly bright as evidenced by the barrage of bird attacks on our windows.
butterfly girl
Finally, after two 10 gallon garbage bags full of kettle corn, we saw some rockets red glare blasting through the sky. Immediately the kids honed in on this activity and it was rocket building time. Jo, Jeremy and Ben all built their own rockets and then had a launching competition. Lest you think we let the kids play with rocket fuel, these were air powered rockets built strictly out of construction paper. I must admit, I was very impressed with the elevation those pieces of paper could reach, and yes Jo’s rocket went the highest!
That is one brave assistant!
good enough for Kenai River festival work!
that my friends is talent, hammer in one hand hair in the other. She is going to make someone a great wife someday!
Look closely at the bruises on her fingernails, all from Ben.
Big brother lending a hand to Jake.
I think the kids, other than Alli on crutches had a good time. I know I had a good time watching the kids, seeing some old friends and eating popcorn, until I got a stomach ache from sugar laced popcorn. Why can’t I ever quit eating popcorn when it is put in front me? Perhaps they lace it with nicotine along with the sugar. I can see popcorn regulations and warning labels in the near future.
Jake's bear. I think it is a black bear.
Exhausted from carrying around 30 pound bags of popcorn, we had to take a break.
There were a lot of unique shops and fish related activities. Perhaps this is a clue as to the purpose of this yearly fair. Next year I will make it my mission to find out, and maybe we will see you out there too, we can have a kettle corn eating competition till the death.
Rocket builders unlimited
Jo you got some kind of bug on your face, said Jake as he attempted to slap it off her.
Ben's birhouse
Jeremy's birdhouse
Livy's birdhouse, for purple loving birds
told you it was Livy's.
Addendum to the percentage theory and the sourdough bandit
This weekend we had a couple, or actually three little house guests. This event has convinced me to add an addendum to the percentage theory blog, It’s all about the percentages. The addendum is that when the additions to the family come in multiples, you must use a more complex formula. The formula is as follows, (NK+NK)/(CK)*100= percentage familial impact. So in our case this weekend, we had 1+1+1 NK (new kids) or 3 total, divided by our CK (current kids) 8. It works out as follows 3/8=.375*100=37.5% impact on the family. That is similar to going from 2-3 kids, a significant step. So if you are planning on adding multiples to your household please use the above formula to correctly calculate the percentage familial impact.
Josiah and Josh playing with Play Dough
All this being said, it has been a very busy few days at the house, even more than normal. But there has also been a lot of fun times. One of the neatest things was the case of the sourdough bandit. You see Tra got up early to make a huge batch of sourdough pancakes for the expanded family. One of our all time favorites.
Jo and Aitana waiting for dessert, patiently I might add
The tub trio
Well everyone ate their share and then some, including Aitena, Josiah and especially Josh. None-the -less, there was a huge stack left over and put in the corner for nibbling on all day. Soon we started to notice the stack of cakes dwindling away, but we had not seen anyone eating them. So an investigation was launched. I knew it couldn’t be any of the little kids, there is no way they could reach them on the counter in the corner, or could they. I recalled that Josh had hit the flatbreads hard for breakfast and he was my first suspect. When I finally located him, he was empty handed. But next to him was a small man in his Spiderman underwear and his hands behind his back. I thought that may be a little suspicious, after all, I am a trained investigator. But I didn’t have to use my interrogation skills at all, for at that second the spider ware clad little man turned his back to me, still thinking he was hiding the flapjack from my view.
Lunch time, hope there is no play dough in that mac-n-cheese
Choco man
Case solved. It actually turned out that both Josh and Josiah took an extreme liking to the sourdough pancakes and snacked on the stack of about 25 left overs throughout the day until they were gone. These are true Alaskan men.
The elusive sourdough bandits later in the day showing off their treasure
A sno-go Sunday
It has been difficult to blog since we have come home from Costa Rica. It just does not seem as exciting or interesting, and the material has somehow lost its luster. But we will persevere and fight through and together we can get back in the groove. So if there is something you want to know about, let me know and I will offer up a blog on it.
First an update on Jo. Recently I realized that I had not updated all of you as to the status, that is because the status is quo. We pick up Jo on Friday at 5 pm and then drop her off Sunday at 5 pm. This has been going on since before we left for vacation and will continue until????? We have still seen signs that cause us concern, so please continue to pray.
Her last weekend here we took the opportunity to go out on our snowmachine, a machine given to us by some extremely giving people. I took most of the kids out and let them drive me around, and they had a blast. You may recall, about 4 years ago Dorian had a little “incident” on a snowmachine a few years back and we haven’t gone out much since.
Now hold on tight!!!
Ben tended to get a little throttle happy, and at one point I thought he was determined to jump the Sterling Highway, and not on purpose. His second time out he seemed to have the hang of it.
Ready for takeoff
Olivia was a natural. She has the touch and went just the right speed for dad’s taste.
Livy scaring daddy
Kassie too seemed to have a great touch and as usual her smile never left her face, which in turn made me smile.
Ben waiting patiently for his second turn
Jake and Jo loved it. Though a little apprehensive at first, they soon warmed up to the adventure and the next thing I knew they had their hands on the throttle and apparently thought that I should go a little faster.
If we are not back in 5 minutes, send out the Troopers.
I thought we were going on a hay ride.
The next thing I knew, 2 hours had flown by and it was time to get ready for Sunday night church. Now if I could only get mom to come out for a ride, then I would have accomplished something. She has this “thing” about outside activities in the winter. My true Alaskan woman.
Jo showing daddy how to go faster
Praise Report
A quick praise report for tonight. On Wed. I had a call on my voice mail at work. Basically the premise of the call was that Jo, was going to a camp this weekend and we would not have our last visit with her. I called the social worker and talked to her in length basically saying that this was not acceptable to us and we say no. I know we didn’t have to power to say no, but we were saying no. This was Jo’s last weekend with us, possibly forever, but at least for the next few weeks as Tra and I leave for Costa Rica next Wed. I must admit, I was probably not very kind on the phone, but I was very upset and I had a hard time maintaining my composure. By the end of the conversation the social worker said she would see what she could work out. She called back later that evening and said we were going to court and that a judge would decide. Well about 15 minutes ago Tra got a phone call relaying to her that both the therapist and judge thought it was not in Jo’s best interest to not be with us this weekend and so we pick her up tomorrow for one last time.
Jo last Sunday at Sunday school. Next post's topic.
This is awesome for us as most of the judges ruling’s have not gone our way, to say the least. We would have once again been devastated if we could not have spent at least one more weekend with her. Our 20 yr. anniversary trip to Costa has already been darkened by the fact that the State has decided to take her away from us, and piling this on top of it would have made for misery. So thanks for those of you that are praying and keep it up, we are truly grateful and we are trying to be still.
A moment
Friday is pick up Jo day, so that is always exciting. This Friday, when I showed up to pick her up,she was in the potty. She heard my voice and came running out and as I knelt down to give her a hug, she just about tackled me into the floor. She then proceeded to climb up onto me and squeeze my neck for a solid minute. It was incredible, a heart warming minute that I will treasure forever, yet still a little bittersweet.
Come out and play with me Sassie!
Jo's favorite dance move, usually followed by a one leg up kick.Think Elaine on Seinfeld.
Now the rest of the time not so heart warming. She is only with us for weekends, Friday night to Sunday night, and she goes 100 mph the whole time, both ways. What is both ways? Well she is extremely happy and playing and into everything, dressing up,playing with Kassie, Jake and just being Jo, then all the sudden she is throwing a fit, screaming snotting and being extremely stubborn. This was not typical and is a new behavior, nor do we like it. But we know it is not really her fault, she is going through a major transition in her life and she knows things are changing and it’s reflecting in her behavior.
One of her million outfits
Showing Benny how to make it purty.
We too are going through changes, but we know and understand what is happening, we may not deal with it the way we should, but we know. It has been, and continues to be a difficult season of our lives. However, we have so much activity going on every day that we don’t have a lot of time to stop and think about it. But there are moments, moments when we remember the gravity of the situation, moments when we again feel sorry for ourselves, moments when we lose faith, and moments when we are resolved to the impending move. These moments come with no notice. They can sneak up on you when you are driving, at work, in thought, in prayer, on the computer, anytime. I don’t know what triggers them, but I suspect it is that split second we have to think and remember, remember a moment, such as when your daughter grabs you around the neck and squeezes as hard as she can for a solid minute.
The writing is on the wall.
What does the “writing is on the wall” mean?
Daniel 5: 5-6
“In the same hour the fingers of a man’s hand appeared and wrote opposite the lampstand on the plaster of the wall of the king’s palace; and the king saw the part of the hand that wrote. Then the king’s countenance changed, and his thoughts troubled him, so that the joints of his hips were loosened and his knees knocked against each other.”
Well to us it means something a little different, at least lately. Last summer Tracy put a few words on the walls throughout the house. I like them, I thought they added flair, and not facebook flair, throughout the house. The best part, I didn’t have to do it, she did it all by herself and she did a great job. Recently those little sayings, portions of scripture, insights to our family, have taken on more meaning.
Every morning I rise early for two reasons, to trade and to do my devotions. About 10 years ago I started getting up earlier for work to have devotion time and it is one of the best things I have ever done. It was not easy at first, but now it is part of my life, and a crucial part. I do these devotions in my kitchen and the last few weeks I have noticed something that has been there for months, something that lately has been poking me right in the eyeball. Yes it is painful, not physically but in my soul. It is a phrase, more accurately a portion of scripture that has had increased meaning in my life the last few weeks. It is not something I want to look at, not something I want to do, not something I want to see, but obviously I need to see it and obey it. I had not shared this with anyone, because I don’t go around bragging about my short fallings, I let them speak for themselves, and they like to shout. This is what I see first thing every morning.
No ambiguity here.
The other night Tra shared something with me that Jolynn shared with her. Jolynn told her that during her prayer time for Jo, a couple words kept coming to mind. She was not sure she wanted to share, not sure what they would relay to us, hope, encouragement, false hope or an unknown meaning. She knew what they meant to her, but didn’t know what they would mean to Tra, or me and she didn’t want to relay the wrong message. Only a true friend would have an internal struggle such as that. Meanwhile, every evening after Tra gets into bed, she lays there thinks and stares as she fights for sleep. What does she stare at? She stares at some words, some words that she put on the wall last summer in our bedroom. Coincidentally,or more aptly divine intervention, from where she sleeps she looks right at the words, the exact some words that Jolynn felt she should share with us. Jolynn was not aware that the words were on the wall, or that Tra stared at those words until she fell asleep every night. That perhaps those words add a little comfort in a time of chaos and uncertainty. We are still not 100% sure what those words mean to us. They could mean hope, patience, faith, so many things to so many different people and different things to each person depending on where they are in their life. But there they are. We start every day and end every day with the same eight words. Eight words that could mean so many things to one person at any given time and change their meanings with flow of life. What are the words? See for yourself:
What do these words mean to you?
So the writing on the wall has been affecting us both, and yet neither of us knew until a good friend decided to share what was in her soul. Words are powerful, scripture is more powerful, not painless, but powerful, and it will strengthen us.
Jo update
First and foremost, at the risk of sounding redundant, thank you all for the prayers and comments. We really, really appreciate it. My last post really took off, by far the most readers we have ever had. So, what does that tell me? Either you guys really like pain, if it bleeds it leads, or you can feel the urgency we have facing us right now and you wanted to share that. I prefer the latter, but I know a few of you and …..
I wrote my last post within a couple hours of dropping her off, and sat on it for a while before deciding to post it, with Tra’s blessing. You could probably tell from my last paragraph. So now we move on to pick up day. Wednesday is the day that we have always picked Jo up. I would go get her and she would always be so excited to see me. Right away getting her coat, fully buttoned and zipped, and her pink Dora backpack ready to walk out the door. Every Wednesday we would have almost the exact same conversation… I saw three wabbits, two black one gey. I saw five wabbits, black and gey. Daddy’s favoite cowor is purple. Momma’s favoite cowor is geem, my cowor is bue. I can’t wait to see Shywa, and Jake and Kassie and Ben and Momma and Dowian and Ivy and gwacie and Hammy. Is this you car? I wide in daddy’s caw. I am three, holding her fingers up for me to see. And every time there would be the “look daddy” “look at me” while I am driving, talking on my cell phone and texting. Okay, maybe I was just driving.
Jo and Daddy cheesing for the camera, I look Asian.
It was as if she was reestablishing herself back in our life. Confirming everything she knew to be true, out-loud over and over. As much as I hated to have her away, it was easily one of the highlights of my week. It was our time, and in our life, time is precious. So this Wednesday I thought it would be brutal, but prayers are working, and I was so busy that it kept my mind off of it until late that night. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I missed her, and her smile and our conversation our time. In fact I had the conversation in my head while I was driving around. My favorite part is always “momma’s favoit cowor is geem.” I loved to hear her say “geem” with a hard “g”. But it wasn’t as brutal as I anticipated; there was a definite flaw in my day, but it was much more bearable than drop off day. Thanks to all of you.
As my dad always said "now I don't have to go see the Grand Canyon"
So now I have to fight worry. I worry about her, what does she think is happening? She has had the same routine for almost a year, and now “poof” it is over. At least in her mind. Does she think we abandoned her? We don’t love her? We went on a long trip? What must she be thinking? Is she having fun? Is she happy? Is she scared? Is she content, is she looking out the window wondering when I will show? I don’t know, but it worries me. She had already been acting a lot different the last couple weeks, so we know she senses something, and in the time when she needs us the most, we have left her. I despise those thoughts.
Reading, pottying, eating all at once. Multitasking at such a young age.
Our next step; we pick her up Friday evening and she will stay with us through the weekend. I have no clue how that will be, for her and us. But I know we certainly want to make the most of every minute we have with her. I don’t know how long this phase will last, or better yet, how long we can endure it, but we felt we had to do it for Jo. So please keep praying, pray for an honest to God true miracle. Pray for peace in Jo’s heart, peace in our hearts and the strength to believe. Believe that this is all part of God’s plan, believe in Roman’s 8:28, believe that no matter what, we will have grown because of this.
Jo and cousin Callie at Nana/Eemie/Meemaw's house.
Again, thank you all for letting us share our pain with you. I don’t know what you get out of it, but I know it helps me to write about it. I can verbalize what I feel and deal with it. We really appreciate the comments and emails and tomorrow, after I pick Jo up, I will have another much lighter post. I was going to post it today, but so many people were asking what was happening I thought I would give you all a quick update. God Bless.
At what cost?
Have you ever moaned in pain, not physical pain, but emotional pain? I had not until today. I thought I was doing a good job holding it together for the family, but today that changed. I dropped Jo off for the first time on a long visit, 5 days, until Friday. In over 2 1/2 years she has not been away from us that long. After I dropped her off, I was driving home, and it hit me, the gravity, the reality of what I had just done. I was instantly overwhelmed, my chest caved in and I had a hard time breathing. Then I sat in my driveway in my car and just let it all go. It was painful as I heaved and my soul literally and audibly moaned in pain. My chest cavity tightened, constricting my airway and causing me to gasp for air. For the first time I could see she may no longer be with us, for the first time I lost faith. For the next few hours I was light headed, on an emotional ledge ready to fall off. I had to remind myself to breathe, and it was laborious. It was unadulterated grief, true grief deep in my soul, my being. I have never felt such despair, and I pray I never do again. Even when my dad suddenly died in 2002, although I felt grief, it was not like this. This was grief for a lost soul, or perhaps it was self pity. Perhaps I felt grief for a deep loss for me and my family. It is impossible to explain what it is like to have your child legally taken from you. Impossible. It is unlike death, it is unlike divorce, it is unlike a miscarriage. All those are brutally tragic, and I don’t know if this is worse, but I can say for certainty, I feel worse than when I have experienced death of those close to me. It is such a unique tragedy, something unimaginable, incomprehensible, a thought that you would never allow to enter you mind. And now you are slapped right upside the head with it, and man does it hurt.
Jo's special guests to her exclusive tea party.
I can drink hot cocoa faster than you!
Will she remember us? Will she be healthy? Will she be safe? Will she be happy, successful, moral? But most importantly, will she have a relationship with Christ? Oh to know the future, oh to know what God knows, to not have to rely on faith and stare deep into the abyss of the unknown. I cannot fathom what the future holds, I cannot think about it right now as I become overwhelmed with fear and sorrow, and I know the fear is not of God. I know that God has a plan, I know that Jo has been prayed for many countless hours, and not just from us, but from friends and family. I know these things, but I am not able to fight off the despair. I know that we are far, far from perfect, but I know that we can offer love, unconditional love and I know we would show her the love of the Lord. I know, ultimately she has to make her own decision, but I also know that we could light the path to make the decision clear.
Would you care for more tea my Queen?
get outta there you little marshmallow
I have even fought with being ashamed, ashamed that I am being selfish for wanting a child when I already have been abundantly blessed with a full quiver, yet I cannot help it. I feel that I am losing not only a child, but a promise of life, the promise of a child that was to be ours, one that we would train up, one that had already become part of the 10. I also am aware that we have not been open to letting those who want to help, help. It is because we do not know how to relate what we are experiencing, and we just don’t know how to act. For that too I feel guilt.
- That famous camera smile
I feel anger. Why, why even bring her into our life if she is going to leave? Why? What purpose can that have? I know that she has met many people that will pray for her daily, perhaps that is all she needed. But at what cost? Is this what it feels like to be used for God’s purpose? If it is, then I don’t know if I can do it again.
- A more natural smile
Sisters forever
So for now I walk on the cusp of collapse, on the cusp of an emotional breakdown, a song, a smell, a laugh, a picture, a memory they can all tilt the scales from normal to pain. It is on the surface and there it will be, for how long I do not know. But I know this, I know God is in control, I know life goes on and I know I will participate. I don’t want to right now, but I have those that depend on my participation, those that need what little I have to offer, and give it I will.
Longing.
This is a very personal experience and I have not yet decided whether to share it or not, but if you are reading this then obviously I have posted it. I guess the purpose is to, in some minute way, share a real experience, real life, in hopes that it helps in our healing. Thank you for your support and prayers, truly, truly I give thanks for you, and be patient with us as we tiptoe on the edge of emotions. Glenn
It’s not about the money, it’s about the memories.
I keep telling myself that. So today we made a trip to Build A Bear (BAB), an early birthday present for me! Ok, not really, I got my Build A Bear a long time ago, it’s a bald eagle, no easy jokes please. So this time it was for Jake, Kassie and Jo. Jake and Kassie got gift certificates for Christmas, and we thought it would be great to get Jo one if she leaves us.
Jake chose a panda, and army panda named Armie. Kassie chose a dog named Zoe and Jo chose a monkey named Jellybean. Why Jellybean? Well each of the kids has their own special song that I made up for them when they were little. Well it’s more like a jingle than a whole song. Jo’s song goes a little something like this. JoJean the jellybean cutest little girl that I’ve ever seen. JoJean daddies little beauty queen ( or jellybean, they are inter changeable.) Hence the name.
Debating over who got the best accessories for their new child.
So, other than Ty, most of you have never done a BAB, so let me explain it to you. First the parent picks out the skin of their pet, then they pick out a sound. In Jo’s we put a monkey sound and a recording of Tracy and I. NO they are not one in the same. Then they help the lady stuff it to just the right thickness. Before it is sealed, they put a heart in it. In Jo’s each of us put a heart in it, so it is a bit of a mutant. It could never be accused of being heartless. Then it is sealed, painlessly I am told. Althought that 10 gauge needle and inch thick thread would not gear near my wounds. After that the parent has to wash it in the air bath. Next the parent must pick out the clothes, and there are millions of outfits, and they all cost $$. There are also accessories, sun glasses, cell phones, helmets, balls you name it they have it, and it all cost $$. So the gig is they get you in with some cheap fur animal skin, then charge you for every little extra, sounds like the airlines now a days. Next you use their computer to print out a birth certificate for your new born pet. Then you finish up at this real neat place called a cash register where they tally up every little item and you give them all your money, just like the hospital. I guess they want it to be as real as possible.
Jake showing off his new cell phone. They need em younger and younger now-a-days.
Ultimately, I must admit, I think it was well worth it. I don’t get the whole experience, but the kids absolutely eat it up. Jo’s was very special and we pray that she will always cherish it and she can push the left paw to hear mom and dad’s voice any time. We continue to pray for a miracle, and it will take a miracle, and we truly, truly, truly, appreciate your support and prayers.
Baby dressing time while we wait for Momma at Nordstrom's. Don't ask how long that was please.
the finished product.
We went ahead and made a little video of the experience since it may be Jo’s last trip to Anchorage with us, it is about 4 1/2 minutes long.
